Ever thought it might be time for a reset of some time-honored but badly out-of-sync-with-the-era holiday tunes? We have. What follows is just at the idea stage, of course. You can take it from here.
Angels We Have Heard on High
Seraphic voices in the sky!
Is some divine announcement nigh?
Relax, it’s only Spotify.
***
Deck the Halls with Boughs of Holly
Now’s the time to start the jolly
Stuff we do each Yuletide season
Why? Who even needs a reason?
We’re sort of all on auto-pilot.
Put up a Christmas tree and style it!
Take a sleigh ride, hang a stocking!
Let’s not stop to think too hard
Say, are those reindeer in the yard?
***
Silent Night! Holy Night!
All is calm; all is bright.
Netflix is streaming
From somewhere above
All of the crime shows
We’ve come to love.
Private eyes, British spies,
Mobsters, con men, clean-up guys,
Riff-raff known to burglarize
Will come for Christmas and we hope
Bring poison or a length of rope
And plot some mayhem, even more
Than we have ever viewed before.
***
Good King Wenceslas Looked Out
On the feast of Stephen,
When the snow lay ’round about
Deep and crisp and even.
Brightly shone the moon that night,
So brightly he could see the Amazon guy
Leave a package by his door.
***
We Three Kings of Orient Are
Dog-tired of chasing that wandering star.
It may never lead to anything great,
And we’ve other business crowding our plate.
Carouse, preen, start a small war;
break for lunch then turn out the poor;
That’s how true kings spend their days,
And never think to change their ways.
A camel hump’s no bed of down,
This quest we’re on no stroll downtown.
Should you ever be tempted to follow a star,
Take our advice and rent a nice car.
***
Our verses done, your winey crew,
Send our very best to you.
Bright holiday, glad new year, too.