It’s the night before Christmas! We can’t believe it’s been a whole year since your last visit. So much has happened. We’ve gone vegan. And you, we hear, married your longtime partner. Mazel tov, you old romantic!
This is a holiday season like no other, so we’re especially delighted to welcome our dear old Saint Nick back into our home. We hope you’ll understand why a few extra precautions are in order. Better safe than sorry, no? Before filling any stockings, please answer the following few questions as truthfully as possible.
- Are you, your elves or reindeer exhibiting any of the following symptoms: sore throat, cough, loss of smell or taste, holiday blues?
- Have you, your elves or reindeer traveled on a cruise ship in the last 21 days?
- Have you, your elves or reindeer visited a superspreader White House event since the election?
If you answered yes to any of the above questions, please immediately lay your finger aside your nose and, giving a nod, exit the building up the chimney and dash away, dash away, dash away all. If not, you may, speaking not a word, go straight to your work, while taking special care to (1) Put out the pipe (we’re non-smokers now, too); (2) Shake off any ashes, soot and fine particulate accumulated en route; (3) Remove mittens and sanitize those pink little hands.
Since we’re all nestled safe in our beds (while visions of sugar plums dance in our heads) there’s no requirement to wear a mask while on premise, but try to keep breathing to a minimum. Also, thank you for not sneezing.
Please do enjoy the gingerbread persons the children baked for you, misshapen and tasteless as they are. There’s milk, too. When you’ve finished your snack, please place your plate and glass in the dishwasher, set dial to “extended cycle” and push start. We added detergent and a little hydroxychloroquine before retiring, so you’re good to go.
One more thing, due to the pandemic, Mommy will not be kissing you this year.
Thanks and have a nice off-season.